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It’s quite late now, the clock is pointing at 3.30 now, yet, I couldn’t really get myself into sleep, perhaps it’s because of the hot and dry weather or I’ve been coughing for the past few days or there have been something else bothering myself, asking myself and I could only hear silence within myself.
I do saw the signs are coming, signs that showing the circle of friendship around me starts to fade and break away and I hardly do anything to prevent it from happening further. I do, I do really wish that I could call someone at this hour mark to share with them how I feel and what I think about, yes, yes, at the same time I do understand no one are willing to do share in this hour. Guess, this is the best place now for me to share everything so that I hope that my breath will be slightly lighter.
Just past week, there’s an incident really touched my feeling deep down inside until I started to message those people around me to take care of themselves and treasure those who they care for, but who knows, what I got from them are just like, “Huh?”, “What?”, those, I’m not too sure on how to describe with words now. Likewise, maybe I brought an impression of I’m a person who is “extra” in their life, that’s why I received those kind of response, what I hope for is really simple…just take care of themselves, is that hard? Life is really short and precious, until now I hardly letting down the incident yet. A friend of mine who was pregnant and she is going to deliver her baby soon, but sad thing always happened in our life, she lost her child. 8 months inside her stomach…those time, feeling, care, everything…shattered…what made me even upset is how the people she care the most treated her, saying she is the one who shall held responsible for her lost, OMG! WTF! Why? Why just can’t sit in her shoes to think about her feeling? Until now, I still can’t lift up my courage to visit her, don’t really know what I could say to console her lost.
In this world, is that hard to find someone who can we share our thoughts, our feelings, or our expression with? Lots of people will say, find an ear, but for me, I will ask, is there anyone out there volunteer to lend their ear to me?
My breath right now is getting heavier and heavier, thinking back of a question which haunted me, myself terribly. Me myself is a person who really treasure those friends around, perhaps that I don’t really know how to express myself, thus, I started to lose those circle here. Career against friendship, which one matter the most? Spending time on my career indirectly made me to lose the trust on the friendship around me. I might said that perhaps I think too much, but, until recently, friends started to stop leaving comment on my facebook, even I met them today, I hardly made conversation with them. I tried to flash back, is it worth that this scenario happened because I ignored them?
I would really like to share with them because I definitely can’t let this known by my family as I don’t want to let them worry about me. But, this time it’s really shaking my ground of confidence. It’s the first time I haven’t passed my probation period yet and my probation period had been extended. And it’s been more than half a year I’m working there, the funny part is I hardly blend along with my colleague, just like I’m working in another company, it just like I’m transparent there. Can I describe myself that it’s painful for me to work there? Career seems like everything to me, and touch wood says, if I lose my current job, I really don’t know how long it would take for me to stand up again.
Please, GOD, please, all I want is a friend I could tell this to them, I’m really tired, physically and mentally.
Career, finance, life, everything are a pressure to me. The year end is approaching fast, and with my current condition, it like I had lost my motivation in facing a new year, new challenge again.
Mr. Loke, I have to tell this to myself, yes, I know that you are sad, tired, exhausted, frustrated, disappointed, fed up and name it whatsoever you can think of it, you can’t be feeling like this for too long, how about until this weekend only? Please bear in mind that you still have a burden that need to be resolve and a hope that need to be fulfill, you can make it, even this world nobody believes in you, as long as you believe in yourself, you can create miracle.
“Out of difficulties, makes miracle”.

Commitment

What goes around come around, here am I again, been missing out my blog for couple of months. Manage to snatch some times to fill in my blog here while waiting for the data transfer to complete. Inspiration is something been missing from my life in the past few months, I lost enthusiasm to complete what I’d been assigned, I lost the motivation to go further, I’m driving myself aimlessly, without direction, without purpose, just like waiting to be another failure of the decade. Commitment seems like the main factor which is missing from me, myself all this while. Commitment, what does it actually mean? Responsible? Promises? Burden? Been searching thru online dictionary and hard core dictionary, seems like I lost the definition for myself.
The major difference between someone who is highly respected and someone who being looked down is how committed they are when they in any assignment or tasks. Will you ever be late in reaching your workplace or you will simply find some excuses when the things doesn’t work as according you’d planned? Yes, nothing is perfect in this world, but please carved this deep into the mind, if a person are committed enough, they will find some way from no way. I could take a very good example from my surrounding, a known of mine, I could describe as she doesn’t have a very happy or sweet childhood like other whom they should have one. She lived with her aunt since young until she is migrating from primary to secondary school, then she start to move back to her family. There is a point I really would like to ask her, have you ever detest anyone that sent her lived with her aunt? I never direct that question to her as I could seen thru my own eyes, she could sacrificed everything for her family, as her family is more important than her own happiness. She had gave up a lot of things for her family sake, especially her mom, n her siblings. Occasionally, the same question halt in my heart over and over again, does all this worth? I know she would just smile back at me, because her family is her whole world.
This is the girl I really respect her with my whole heart  Tonight, just like an ordinary night for me, is it really an ordinary night? I have to divert all my attention in lifting away what really distract me, gosh ~~~ I really wish or hope that in someday, technology will develop a medicine or machine that could filter and extract our memory out, for the sake of selecting and removing those memories that we as a human doesn’t feel like keeping it, as the same memories haunting me for few years now. Never thought the pain still ache that much, times goes by, but the memories froze there.
Goodbye to whoever is it, you have to take a really good care yourself. Goodbye once more to you…

Emo

It’s been quite a while back since I could wake up at this hour, erm…the last time was I’m still with IBM, guess it should be almost half year by now. Once I awake only I notice that I still haven’t take my bath yet, ishhhhhhh… this is dirty, guess, earlier I’m too tired and depressed for me to take a bath. It’s been better after a nice long sleep. I did notice that there were few sms I received when I asleep and I decided to reply only one message as the sender is a very important friend to me. Still, I’m not too sure what had happened on her side, just like a snap she placed a border between us…not too sure what had happened and that’s what makes me worry about her. But, I do believe in her as she still the one that I always know; hopefully everything will be fine for her.

PS: I knew that you don’t like to owe me that much as you do not know how to return it to me in favor, for me, it’s quite simple…just hope that you could be my audience by the time I’m out of strength in continuing my journey.

Emotions, I heard before, I saw before and I experienced before how good and how bad it could lead on to. Yesterday was another day filled with up and down for me. Morning was really a great one, happened to be I had been selected to the team that I wish to join the most and the good effect last long only till afternoon. When all the good things started to turn bad, erm…to my concern, the root cause wasn’t from my work environment, guess it was from one of my buddy. I’m not really sure why he still wanna think that way, everyone will have their own emotions, if he had it, definitely I’ll have one also. Yupe, I do understand that he was under depressions from few factors, but please, we do have our things and bad times as well. Please take into consideration that I’m not superman, I can’t cold out my emotions, and I can’t handle everything at once! I live as typical human like everybody else and I only have 24 hours in a day which it is not enough for me! Sigh~~~ tired…really tired, tired in settling the loan, tired of hiding all my tiredness and worries in front of my family…at one point, when I’d been chosen into the team, I really wanted to share this good news, the thought disappear when I started to scroll down my phone book…cause I can’t find any candidates at all. Is this proved that I’m a bad person? Or it just that I have really poor communication skills?

Hopefully today, as now it’s already 4.15AM…going to be another good start for me ^^

Time

Its Monday again…many people will take those uneasy feeling as Monday’s blue. For me, I knew it is something different, it’s something which had bothered me since past few days, something that not suppose to happen, yet it took place in my life again. Sitting here alone in the office allows me some times to fill in my blog entries, I’m not too sure why you would starts to avoid me again, maybe I’d overstepped the borders? I don’t really wish to see our friendship turn into sour like this…I always seek opportunities to apologise from you, end up you will telling me I’d think too much, yes, hopefully what you said is true, it just me that I’d over reacted here…
Really, I miss those days where both of u and I talk to each other without any boundaries…really…if time could turn back, I just wish that it could flow back to last week…before the movie…

Sick

Sick…I’m sick…not because of illness…I’m sick of myself. People often said, it’s not that hard to fall in love. I don’t even love myself, how am I going to fall in love with someone? I’m getting tired of myself lately, sick and tired for being so emotional.
Yesterday, and today, I’m involved in clash of words with my friends. They are my long long knowing friends, I do appreciate their existance in my life, sincerely and I really treasure our friendship here, yet, I’d wounded the friendship by act like a fool. Interfering into something which I doesn’t belong to, and letting my anger control all over myself. Two arguments in two days with two good friend. I’m sick and tired of myself, acting like someone and regretting later. If both of you can read this, I’m sorry for being who am I to you all, until now…I only bring grief and sadness to you guys…please forgive me for my foolishness and selfishness...

Sing-A-Song

Now I really wanted to sing a song for you, if you could hear it, I hope that it could cheer you up ^^

啊 朋友们请听呀听呀听呀
我唱歌来问候你
有什麼事~情呀情呀情呀
我能够帮助你
在春天夏天并呀并呀并呀
秋天和严冬
我定呀定呀定呀 令呀令呀令你
心呀心呀心欢喜

Snow on Sahara

Is it possible one day there will be a winter season in Sahara? Or, even snowing for 5 minutes? At this moment, I’m just like hoping or praying for something which is impossible to happen.
Are we really living in a place fulfilled with destiny? If yes, where is mine? Feeling stuffy and heavy right now, tonight suppose to be a great night since it’s been sometimes that I spent my whole weekend outdoor instead of sitting at home doing nothing. It’s all started with a short nap, though it’s a really short one but I felt like it seems to be forever for me. I never thought that I’ll dream of her again, this is second time I dreamt of her in just few days, gosh…I knew this is not a good sign, I’m trying so hard not to make the same mistakes again and I had failed to do so. Is my fate really twisting me around? I dare not to think of it anymore.
Anyone could answer me why? Things started went from bad to worse, I never wonder that you could react that way; I just wanna tell you that your friend is there. Perhaps, I begin with good intention but end up with bad ending. I do trust you, you can overcome this. During the way home, I do really want to apologize with you, but the words never came out. I stuttered there, situation went silence. It really made me felt guilty, yet your dear attempt to console me that it’s not my fault for pointing him out there, as you know, it’s my attitude.
I’m really looking forward to any opportunities that could allow me to leave my home grown place even there are lot of things I reluctant to leave it, guess, that’s the only way to heal myself being wounded for so long. For “you” out there, I’m appreciate your presence in my life, the only regret I have is I do not have enough time to appreciate you and the only thing all I had give you is, sadness. Bye…for the one who had occupied my heart for so long…