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It’s quite late now, the clock is pointing at 3.30 now, yet, I couldn’t really get myself into sleep, perhaps it’s because of the hot and dry weather or I’ve been coughing for the past few days or there have been something else bothering myself, asking myself and I could only hear silence within myself.
I do saw the signs are coming, signs that showing the circle of friendship around me starts to fade and break away and I hardly do anything to prevent it from happening further. I do, I do really wish that I could call someone at this hour mark to share with them how I feel and what I think about, yes, yes, at the same time I do understand no one are willing to do share in this hour. Guess, this is the best place now for me to share everything so that I hope that my breath will be slightly lighter.
Just past week, there’s an incident really touched my feeling deep down inside until I started to message those people around me to take care of themselves and treasure those who they care for, but who knows, what I got from them are just like, “Huh?”, “What?”, those, I’m not too sure on how to describe with words now. Likewise, maybe I brought an impression of I’m a person who is “extra” in their life, that’s why I received those kind of response, what I hope for is really simple…just take care of themselves, is that hard? Life is really short and precious, until now I hardly letting down the incident yet. A friend of mine who was pregnant and she is going to deliver her baby soon, but sad thing always happened in our life, she lost her child. 8 months inside her stomach…those time, feeling, care, everything…shattered…what made me even upset is how the people she care the most treated her, saying she is the one who shall held responsible for her lost, OMG! WTF! Why? Why just can’t sit in her shoes to think about her feeling? Until now, I still can’t lift up my courage to visit her, don’t really know what I could say to console her lost.
In this world, is that hard to find someone who can we share our thoughts, our feelings, or our expression with? Lots of people will say, find an ear, but for me, I will ask, is there anyone out there volunteer to lend their ear to me?
My breath right now is getting heavier and heavier, thinking back of a question which haunted me, myself terribly. Me myself is a person who really treasure those friends around, perhaps that I don’t really know how to express myself, thus, I started to lose those circle here. Career against friendship, which one matter the most? Spending time on my career indirectly made me to lose the trust on the friendship around me. I might said that perhaps I think too much, but, until recently, friends started to stop leaving comment on my facebook, even I met them today, I hardly made conversation with them. I tried to flash back, is it worth that this scenario happened because I ignored them?
I would really like to share with them because I definitely can’t let this known by my family as I don’t want to let them worry about me. But, this time it’s really shaking my ground of confidence. It’s the first time I haven’t passed my probation period yet and my probation period had been extended. And it’s been more than half a year I’m working there, the funny part is I hardly blend along with my colleague, just like I’m working in another company, it just like I’m transparent there. Can I describe myself that it’s painful for me to work there? Career seems like everything to me, and touch wood says, if I lose my current job, I really don’t know how long it would take for me to stand up again.
Please, GOD, please, all I want is a friend I could tell this to them, I’m really tired, physically and mentally.
Career, finance, life, everything are a pressure to me. The year end is approaching fast, and with my current condition, it like I had lost my motivation in facing a new year, new challenge again.
Mr. Loke, I have to tell this to myself, yes, I know that you are sad, tired, exhausted, frustrated, disappointed, fed up and name it whatsoever you can think of it, you can’t be feeling like this for too long, how about until this weekend only? Please bear in mind that you still have a burden that need to be resolve and a hope that need to be fulfill, you can make it, even this world nobody believes in you, as long as you believe in yourself, you can create miracle.
“Out of difficulties, makes miracle”.